... Fikiran saya terus membawa saya kembali ...

kadang-kadang fikiran saya hilang dalam fikiran anda .. cara bahawa suara anda berbunyi ...cara yang anda menyentuh hati saya ..bagaimana anda dengar .. kemudian berpandukan saya perlahan-lahan ke arah yang betul menunjukkan saya kekuatan untuk menghadapi ketakutan yang tidak realistik i menghadapi ... dan bagaimana menyedihkan adalah bahawa kita terpaksa biarkan ia pergi .. i masih hilang dalam memori anda..menghidupkan kembali tarian kita berkongsi ..Saya berterima kasih untuk masa yang kita telah bersama-sama .. i masih berasa anda berhampiran saya ..dan im masih bekerja melalui kesakitan antara kamu tidak lagi di sini ..jadi saya berjalan dalam penentuan hidup dalam keadaan gembira gembira fikiran .. dan i akan mencari keselesaan saya dalam pendirian ... kerana hati saya meluncur ke elses seseorang genggam .. dan dengan hati yang berharap beliau mengekalkan ia selamat ... tetapisehingga kurang percaya kadang-kadang dalam manusia ... kebimbangan had saya daripada berdiri kukuh dalam Pengetahuan itu.sesungguhnya saya akan berusaha untuk bergerak lebih ke hadapan dengan setiap langkah bernafas. <3

...Triggers..

sometimes outta the blue .. im triggered.. simply as a smell.. an action.. a reminder.. the walking into a room..it doesnt matter sometimes.. just a simple word can trigger me.. im learning to control myself...but sometimes the easiest thing to do is shut it down.. and wait for the trance to be over.. ride the wave.. and sometimes that reqiures space.. and allowance to do so.. i understand myself and my limits on certien things.. im learning my boundries.. and i stand outside of them sometimes.. but they are due to change at any moment.. i notice that when im in a sway my boundry are larger then normal.. and when i feel like i am safe inside my own self.. the boundry get smaller and easior to allow into my surroundings.. but i do push out.. and move you back a bit when my boundries are high.. if you have an issue with that.. take it up with me after i am done the sway.. when my mind is clear and i can see beyond thy sway more easily.. because when i am in this state my defenses are high, easily reactive. i know myself enough to ask for space. its up to you to respect that.. or simply..turn and walkaway.. im in a state of pissyness..

....not here today...gone somewhere else...

I feel a little distant today.. five months to the day.. i know that i am surrounded by love and that i am safe.. but this day is really hard and im kinda distant.. side tracked..mind is somewhere else.. disassoicated.. mind space ... and it has done itself! i have no control over how distant i have become.. in the last 24hours.. i instantly dettach myself from this day...cuz i go into my state of recalling..had alot of talking about syris today...with beautiful reward and papa and boychild...brought up a memory.. but the most heartful journey was with beautiful reward.. it was important to have the conversation with her.. to see where she was in her healing process about the whole situation.. she is remarkable.. such a trooper.. i love her.. <3 .. im not gonna get into it though..sighs..--- *reached out for support* ---
.

.

-->†<--

-->I am thankful for the support i have around me.. and the love that they show me...i feel extremely blessed to be surrounded by such awesome people.. From Wifey to Dawnzy to Sir.Bear.. to Michael...to Perky to..family im glad i have surrounded myself with such understanding and amazing people.. greatful for everyone of you .... i feel alittle more presant. <3 <--

...5 months...

Letting Go and Let God...

looking back over the last five months...i woke up from a horrible mess.... with this new understanding of me..and what i needed to continue this path of healing.. i have looked at my past head on and learned to stop living there..making sure i don't carry those burdens into my new relationship..but i have this uncontrollable fear.. and i acknowledge.. the fact that some of the insecurities are coming up.. and I'm trying my best to work through them.. so the same bullshit doesn't happen.. i am learning to step more into the witness of the situation and stand there.. and realize that the storyteller.. needs to be reign in.. that it is okay to allow yourself to count on someone else and be vulnerable and can allow someone else in..i have learned to allow my joy to be overflowing.. i am in control of the energy that i project into a room.. i can light up and be happy part of the world.. i can now take complement with out cringing.. i can take peoples word for what its worth.. and see the person full that stand in front of me.. or beside me.. and behind me.. and i have learned to stand for myself.. i have come from this dark place into the light that surrounds me.. i am risen from the ashes of the past.. into this beautiful flightful bird.. with Great color.. i feel free to move forward.. into this loving relationship.. he stands beside me.. with his hand on my shoulder and one on my heart.. he understands the path i had behind me and i am willing and ready and able to start this beautiful dance with.. i stand in the present of things and can gladly say.. Everything is right within me.. and around me... i am right where I am needing to be.. starting this great exciting path.. i feel loved.respected.understood.communicative.Trustful.Important.Special.Challenged.Safe...
i read somewhere.. that if you want growth find someone that with disagree with you ... if you wanna stay content.. get someone that agrees with you...i have found my match in  many ways..but he also challenges my belief system..his love is pure..and he surrounds my cup..i finally feel like i got my "equally yoked" match.. which is an amazing feeling..but quite scary..i feel good tension.. a little guarded.. but i will work through it.. because I'm committed to this process. :) I'm not going anywhere..<3

...Oh Lord...

Jesus, i just wanna take this time to thank you for everything you have put in my path.. from the supporting family and firends.. and most of all i would love to thank you for the trails that i have gone through for it has shown me this path that is before me..i want to thank you for guiding me when i was blind..and hurting.. Thank you for holding me through some of the darkest parts of my life.. ...for your light has always had its hand on my heart.. im entering the next part of my life and i wanna thank you for showing me the path first of inner joy and teaching me how to accept the reality of living here in the presant.. and showing me through everything your power dances with my soul..Thank you for the path im about to embark on.. in your name i pray.. Amen

...wow...

wow.. the feeling of butterflies flow through my tummi.. with great excitement.. the new path..has open doors for me that have once be soo tightly closed.. and my intution isnt telling me to run the other way.. i feel like i should embrace this .. and leave the memories, where they are.. and just continue to move forward happily. and embraced the smiles and joy rising.. wow..

....4 Months....

...its been four months...im grateful for the steps that i continue to make.. i have become more self aware.. and my self respect is up and my authentic self is moving into the reality of my stance every day. with all the work i have been doing.. i dont stand in sadness..and get lost in which i dont have. although i love him still doesnt mean that even if he wanted to come back that i would be able to bring him in close. for this year is the most important to me.. to soothe my innerchild..to stand in my witness and move forward..yes i have issues with looking back and remembering the past.. but i am doing it as my witness.. not as the storyteller in which she makes it more difficult.. i stand in love.. and maybe one day i will be able to move away from it.. be able to truely let go of this..with time everything heals... just gotta be willing,

...Beautiful Syris.Edward...

"when life leaves us blind..love will keep us kind"-linkin park..

 The words to write you doesn't come easy.. every word is thought out and intently thought about. for i am saying what my heart and inner voice needs to say.. i go through these stages of recalling..of deep controlled missing.. i don't allow my mind to go into a dark place..although I've tried this hating you thing..but it just makes me miss you even more..i don't think my body will allow me to have those feelings of dislike. i don't understand what happened..I'm trying to find closure..with every Movement i speak.. I'm trying to learn to let you go..but when i look beside me i feel you there..when i look behind me..i feel you there..when i feel hands on my spirit..I feel yours..i know that you don't wanna talk to me..that your not ready..but i hope you know..that i would always answer your call..that i would sit down and talk with you with out wanting to fight...I am in the process of healing and walking this path alone..and i am enjoying my time with myself..I'm learning how to be present..instead of living in my emotions..and allowing them to dictate my outlook on situations.. i just want you to know that you are missed..daily.. and its more like .. i wonder what he is up to now..i hope he is well..i hope he is happy..does he miss me as much as i miss him..i have always told you i loved you unconditionally.. and that hasn't changed. i may be over stepping a line.. from the top of your head..to your toes..all the way out to your finger tips.. When anah asks about you..i made a promise to your mother.. that anah would know that you loved her..although you can not be with her.. she still knows you love her..i do not talk ill of you in a hateful manner.. i do call you a coward for the way things happen. how you couldn't face me..and you cant give me a reason why. its sad..that it came down the way it did. but again i take responsibility for my reaction, i know this is about validation. that i more then likely will not receive.. but i don't carry that with me.. i write it out to let you know that I'm always thinking about you. and that's prolly desperation in your eyes.. but i know that it comes from a place of love. i know that i shouldnt use that word when im just talking to the air.. to the memories that haunt these walls..

"you could never be replaced ..even though you know my heart is free"- Dub FX

...Your Life speaks to you in a Whisper...

"Whispers"

watching Oprah's life class.

what she is basicly talking here is listening to the small voice inside you that walks with you and guides you.. to lead with your intutiton.. to feel the whisper and go with it.. and listen to what your body is telling you. if you dont listen to the whisper.. it gets louder.. and your anxiety will kick up and then the next its like ha! you cant ignore me..and hits you with a brick wall.. there are many times that i walk with my intutition, it has never lead me far from the truth of things.. and not this false truth. that is made up by my ego aka storyteller. its your inner alert button screaming for you to listen to it.. and if you dont listen you detattched yourself from the world and your surrounds and useally ended up runnin around like no ones home inside yourself. so connect with your whisper. and feel your energy transform into your Authentic self :)

...Fly With Me..

..I have fallen i love with DubFX..

..Soo Fly with Me..

<3

...Wolf and I...

when i listen to this song..

so much things come up for me..

it touches my soul..

and makes me sway.. 

...Dissociation only last sooo long...

...I held you once..so deep inside me..you showed me alot of things.. you taught me..and then we lost our common goal..we drifited.. detattched...pushed eacother sooo far away from eachother..as heartsbreak..it needed to happen..for healing to start..and greater understanding..and great focus..to allow our souls recover..from the tradegy that we once called "Love"... I hate the fact that i still stand in days of mourning..of great missing..dissociation with reailty at times.. lost in a stare.. i push the memory of you a side most days.. most nights.. and i try and make my self hate you.. and it just makes me miss you more..

...Responsibility...

just finished watching oprah's lifeclass

Taking Responsibility for your own life...

theres places in my life where i have to look at the energy that i projected.. and who i held and made them be people that "saved" me from myself.. but seriously.. im the only one that could save myself it is not up to someone else or something else to do that. I apologized for past mistakes, i can not live in the past nor the future.. i have to continue to live in every moment as it passes me by.. and learn that i can only control my power and my actions. this is my life.. i am the lead role.. i am the purpose and this life is all i have.. so i should make the best of it. for its my duty to live it to the fullest. and take ownership of everything that has happened. my own suicide attempt was not someone elses doing.. it was me who picked up the knife.. it was me that made the choice to drag it across my wrist.. it was also ME that picked up the phone to learn how to be my own life support.. It was me that signed myself in.. and i now look at these scars as learnin tools of what i need to do in this to find my inner peace.. because it starts with me. and my ownership on things. i need to be held responsible for my own actions and i should take ownership in my own mind mess. yes actions of others put me in a frenzy but they were doing what was best for them. and i am understanding that now.

...Love Me Or Not!...

...I have always been affected by music...

somtimes songs come into your life

when you needed it

so no matter what

you gotta wake up and face another day

Thank you Steven

for introducing me to this gentleman

Thank you Jenny

for sharing this song with me!!



...EveryBody Has a Calling...

...Everyone has a Calling.. inner beauty..When you know better you do better...

these are the next 3 epidsodes of lifeclass..


I havent been able to comment on these ones i need to sit with them a little longer...maybe i will come back to them later or just leave it,, they have resinated in my situation but i havent been able to run with it yet,

Lillian!

...Grateful..

...To be grateful...

im sitting in this house..of great memories..but surrounded by the emptiness that has been created.. but I am Grateful.. to still be here.. the Tradgies.. come with the sway of things.. but the joyith always comes in the morrow.. so when i have my darkness sways.. I remember.. that i am the only reason..for me to keep going.. i have alot to offer. and alot to show the world.. as my true authentic self emergs outta the ashes of my past.. and what was.. i will shine through it all.. and let my light and strive for greatness and victoriousness.. :)

..Lillian Rising!!..

...Joy Rising..

...This is Oraph's fifth show.. its a recap of all the Joy Rising events she had on her show..

...Joy Rising...

Joy Rising for me is celebrating the good things i have in my life.. the love of a beautiful child..and great family and friends.. The support that i have surrounding me.. the laughter that i have experinced with out any hiding.. the smiles that crosses my mouth daily.. I am strong and will get through everything that surrounds me negatively.. and my Joy rising!! as i find my true authentic self.. and embrace her fully :)...

...the Truth Will Set You Free!...

This is oprah's Fourth Class

The Truth Will Set You Free!!

Oraph is taking about how living in Truth of yourself..

"To Ellen! - I loved you then! ... I love you Now.. I am glad that you are able to live in your true self!.. Keep up the great work Much love <3 ... "

I feel like with all the Help im recieiving.. i am starting to live in my truth. My true self..and it will grow into someone  that will accomplished.  But like everything else.. It will take Practice...

Its time to look at things as a blessings not a hinderances!..

...You become what you Believe...

this is the third show..of .. Oprah's Lifelessons...
....You Become What You Believe.....

"be still, and know that i am God" -Psalms 46:10

i feel like i am in the right spot in my life.. to learn that my worth and happiness is a reachable goal. as i work through this darkness and learn through self awearness i will stand in my glory and i will be victorious in all things i put my mind and spirit into.. i will become happy and live with in my means, and learn to let the past be the past and the future be the future but stand with in my Presance. and know deeply that its acheiveable!.. and morphin my Belief system within side myself, and changing my filters. i will become more into my true self.. with every moment :)

...Letting go of Anger...

...This is second show of.. "Oprah's lifelessons"...

                                ...Anger...

I get angry, but im one to let go of it pretty insantly these days, other then dealing with syris' mother.. but i hold her responceable of the situation at hand. but i dont let it enrage me unless i see her.. other then that my anger level is pretty chill.



...The False power of Ego..

so im following this new show.. from oprah.. this is the first show..

her first step was

the Ego-Self Paradox - E.Edinger

 ..where is your ego getting in your way..

1. Close your eyes.. and noticed what your thinking.. notice your thoughts.. who is thinking those thoughts.. can you notice there is a space where your observing the thoughts.. and where you are awear of those thoughts..you are that awearness, your authentic self..
 - so when your fakin yourself through things.. and you hide behind things that arent benfiting your form..  Remainin connected to your true self.. you arent definded about "stuff".. you gotta live in the moment of things and remain there.. and learning to stand in ones true authentic self.. not what your storyteller is creating in your mindset. the "false" comforts of things cause anxiety and stress because your ego is trying to keep the facade.. "Ego is disassoiscation from your true sence of self worth. - Oprah" ... -- when you acknowledge your ego it deminishes its power..-..wow..- ive noticed that my emotional rollercoaster is my ego flaring up... intresting.. -- now going into my rant about this.. I have noticed when i give my power away to my ego..when i give my power away to others.. im not living in my true self.  i must define Myself.  No one else can. or will. for i am in the control of my own paths and steps.. "You Alone Are Enough..- Oprah".. so no matter the situation. no matter the "Chaos" being awear of your true self..is Extremely Important to yourself!! Acknowledge and Awearness..

...These walls...

I'm just gonna start writing and not push the backspace button and allow my words run through me.. let me feel them.. so here it goes.. i enter this house and i feel anxiety as the houses memories play like little reels of tape and the triggers that spike my mind frame.. i hate sitting here.. i hate these walls.. for the remind me of what i don't have anymore..the unconditional love that was once surrounded me.. is gone and it makes me..scared.. i know i have given myself a year to get through this .. passed my issues that surround my path..and sometimes even stop me in my stride.. but you know.. its all about practicing the new tools i have.. i don't need to hurt myself to stop me from feeling this hurt.. i don't like feeling this hurt.. i rather run from it avoid it .. dismiss it..like i was dismissed.. i know that i am happier now.. but the nights are still as hard as the first night.. oh my i hate this house !!.. i think its time for me to find my own space.. so i cant be taunted anymore..

...Anger...

...i woke up from a dream kinda angerily today.. then my mood switched like it normally does .. into this happy carefree delightful position..found a really good song today.. "the bitch came back- Theory of a Deadman" ..it was great.. then i just had to go into walmart.. i was coming to the line..and saw someone..Syris's Mother.. and my goodness.. Triggered soo hardcore into Anger..that there was no way around it.. i had to release it.. doesnt hurt but i did break skin on my knuckles.. but damn...Why the hell does my spirit giving her soo much power to beable to trigger that emotion.. i dont like it.. not at all. it just seems to be a little fucked up.. i can talk to other people that minds me of their family..freely happily..her.. Just the thought of her makes me angry.. to the point that i just have no choice but to sit in it.. i know it doesnt benifit me in anyway to carrie this with me.. so i really dont know how to release it.. other then either punching something or ... there is no or.. because seriously.. i aint going to revert..im doing good..get outta manic...and back to happy..i dunno!!... arghhhhh...

....Sway full....3 months..

...3 MONTHS IN REVIEW...

...So looking back to the start of this horrific scary life changing event..wow Lillian.. you have seriously moved forward and took the steps you have needed too.. the movement forward.. with out syris.. you smile more. you dance more..and sway less.. and less.. yeah my heart will have scars..but like everything else.. it will fade with time.. and just keep moving foward.. living for yourself.. and thats amazing!.. keep up the great headspace... the weight.. hasnt been so lifted that lightness is all i feel.. wow.. Great Job! Proud of you... Lillian Rising

...Wowzers...

i know that i havent really been blogging in the last little while, i was providing a roof for someone that was in need. i was happy to provide it. it got stressful. but its simply was a great experince. i have done my best and that is all i could do :) ... there is so much on my mental plate right now.. but im smiling through it... and somewhat avoiding it also.. which is sad. on many levels. but eh..

...Drama Everything...

Let me start with I've let you go
But you don't get it, though
Politely I've asked you to leave,
But still you follow

It's hard when you're full of heart
When the house you built just falls apart
Well keep the paint fresh, keep the outside clean
Make sure the neighbors see you wear that ring
Don't tell them a thing, they don't know you like me

You're the girl that cries 'water in the basement'
Everybody stop, wait, look, see
You're the girl that could lie to my face
And fabricate a flood to get through to me
I went away and you found a replacement
So call him, don't call me
To the girl that cries 'water in the basement':
You drama everything

I heard a good friend once say
"You got one life, live it, cuz they'll take it away"
From all of us, one day, you know they will
So color it up, color it up
Say your last goodbye, I don't give a fuck
Bottoms up, just watch me walk away

I'm here to say that -
I don't need your sorry dream at all
What makes you think you can tell me how to feel
Or how hard I should fall
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, now you listen
Oh my, you're not anything I need in my life
No, you're not anything I even want
Cuz they don't know you like me

You're the girl that cries 'water in the basement'
Everybody stop, wait, look, see
You're the girl that could lie to my face
And fabricate a flood to get through to me
I went away and you found a replacement
So call him, don't call me
To the girl that cries 'water in the basement':
You drama everything

Here's what you gotta do

Hold you head high
Shoot first, man, don't ask why
Yeah, you won't feel the pain at all
Well I guess I, grew this mind
I think for myself and I'm fine
No, I don't need anything from you at all
They don't know you like me

You're the girl that cries 'water in the basement'
Everybody stop, wait, look, see
You're the girl that could lie to my face
And fabricate a flood to get through to me
I went away and you found a replacement
So call him, don't call me
To the girl that cries 'water in the basement':
You drama everything

(Fabricate a flood to get through to me)
(So call him, don't call me)

You drama everything
Drama
So much drama

...Worry List...

....this band continues to write..words that i wish i could say...they always have.....

...melancholy...

 (-deep, pensive, and long-lasting sadness-)

I personally have been in this state of  "melancholy".. I have learned that emotions.. sometimes play tricks on our minds.. on how things you precieve.. are never the real truth..i havent allowed myself to get to sad since..july.. i havent wallowed in what i used to know to be true..i stood here as the change over sweept me.. like an earthquake hits your core..and as the wave comes all you can do is watch as it takes everything you ever..loved.owned.worked hardfor..Just simply..torn from your hands..your grasp..as your heart engulfs with sadness as it is pulled at the intwinded souls, and untwinded them..like a top spinning.. the connection that was so deep..no longer exists.. Just a addict..craving for the drug..Just a heart learning to beat..sometimes you just gotta pick the pen up.. and write your own story..at times the rain falls heavily outside..and the dance just waltz through my thought pattren..and my heart gets heavy.. the poetry basicly writes its self when i think of you..the way you made me feel.. the love that was shown..the delicaticy as we both knew our hearts..then i smile.. and remember the joy that i have learned to walk in.. the heart will heal...Scars will fade..Strength will be a fact, Not just a state of being.. ill know my name when its called again.. and i will shine..as my energy transforms..Lillian Rising <3 <3

...Sometimes..

sometimes people walk into your life just when you need them or they need you.. i maybe doing the "wrong" thing in helping this person..but sometimes.. you need to know theres a second chance. that things can start to look better. and that the path that you are on is changing and things work out for the best in the end. sometimes facing the demons..is hard..but its important..because they will make you face them one day. Yes. ive had some serious triggers in the last 48hours..this is benifiting. someone elses sobirity. and showing times of weakness..there is strenght. <3

...Letting Go...

there comes a time in your life.. where you become more self awear.. and notice that change is imporant and as the scars fade .. that days of self sacrifcing will come to a limiting end.. where its going to be okay to stand up for youself and show that the convictions of my past will not defind my walking purpose of healing and understanding and finding myself. Independantly Happy.. so the faster i let things go.. the easier this path is going to be for me.. so i look at the past as a place i cant control or change.. and that my future will happen when it does.. and im going to enjoy and rejoice in the moments i have... living life to my fullest.. Happy!! :)

...integrity...

when you invite someone out some where have the fuckin balls to show up. or dont fuckin ask to hang out. the excuse i got "busy" isnt gonna fuckin work this time. enjoy the wraith of cranky ass Lillian. cuz i aint putting myself through that again. now that ive said it. im done have a goodnight.

...Power...

I have noticed. that people give power to other people.. in the way they talk to one another..the way that their feelings have interupted the words coming outta their mouths..how things tend to be blown outta the water.. and sometimes they steal the power by invading personal space and what not.. but seriously.. we all need to stand and take back our power make it our own again.. to walk with ourselves in high regard and know ..deep down that the only one that has control of your power is you!!.. so embrace it ..dance with it..and even let things roll off your back.. Stand with ur back straight and your eyes forward and you will get through it all!! because no matter the issue.. the power is always yours to keep a hold of..dont give it freely...

...Epicness...Halairty...

I just wanna say thank you for allowing me to be involved in such heavy laughter. and epic moments. to homo moments (no offence intended) haha.. seriously though.. my spirit feels at rest.. it was awesome to have such a great night out after the emotional shit storm that hit me today!! you guys made my month.. and i hope more of those nights will happen...

...Guilt...

There once was a time were i carried guilt for things i didn't have any control over... like how the children in my life were getting hurt by someone really close to them.. like their parent.. i fought with myself and how i should approach it with the parent.. or how i knew that drugs were starting to take over someone and all i could do is watch because i didn't wanna believe it to be true.. but they made choices for me.. the made the best choices the hard ones for me.. the one that requires walking away so healing can start. and seriously.. THANK  YOU FOR FUCKING OFF.. yes i was sad at frist.. but seriously when you live something for so long your gonna get anxious when it leaves your presance.. but seriously. i really wishes that people would understand that things arent going to change.. and its not because im stubborn.. but See that with the growth im showing that i can face anything.. im strong im standing on my feet.. and i can breath freely without the weight of the world dancing on my shoulders.. DO you really think that i should stop all this growth just to make one person happy.. and that person wouldnt be me.. your foolishly mistaken. i will not defer from my travells this time.. i will  not cowerd back into the depths of the hole they had placed me in .. For .. Lillian Rising.. will be the greatest things of all.. so if your not gonna stand with me..dont stand near me at all.. because no matter the distantion.. they are no longer apart of it.. understand..with a good riddiance.. i bid you adieu

...2 months...Lillian Rising...

Its been 2 months since..my life changed..and now i look back and wonder why?..why did i react the way that i did.. why do i carrie these scars..like little memories of what you were to me.. they make me angry now to look at them..i wish i wasnt soo frantic.. but i look at what i have a gained. the freedom..of living substance free.. from my life.. i have had the taste of living on my own and enjoying it.. and hoping that my living arrangement changes.. and that my mindset that surrounds me changes daily.. at first i couldnt take a compliment with out cringing.. couldnt believe anything anyone has said to me.. and i clearly look back at my life and see how much stress it actually caused me.. and how now that if someone is kind enough to post a complement i take it and i smile and i own it.. then move forward for self awearness is key as i move  from this downing state i can see my worth and that my issues will be worked thorough before going into my next adventure at this "love" thing.. and learning to be happy in the moments have really opened my eyes.. that living in the future of things never happen the way that you once hoped.. but living in the past just brings anxiety and nothing changes there either.. so living in the moment and enjoying the presant has soo much to offer.. and  thats all i can control...and thats all that i can accomplished..i hope your living where your wanting to be. and that your enjoying yourself and once again find your happiness.. i hope that soon i get outta this recalling.. Lillian Rising... Syris girlfriend dying..<3...

...Lyrical Emotional Escape...

Vinnie Macdonald

"How come the mighty have fallen down"

when i cant rest my weary head for all the rushing thoughts i throw it at the box instead but nothing stops everything is moving expect me.. and every thing is changing constantly..what will i treasure that you throw away forget tomorrow gotta make it through today held my eyes held my head..would it make a difference if i judge you instead i feel a distance like you were never there and all the memories are just a book i read somewhere.. how come the mighty have fallen down don't believe that i ever held my ground..is alright now for you to start again if that's your choice my hands are tied..is it so easy for you to walk away there's soo many things i forgot to say.. how come the mighty have fallen down i don't believe i ever held my ground..held my eyes held my head.. it wont make a difference if i judge you instead i feel the distance like you were never forget the memories cuz you don't care ..how come the mighty have fallen down i don't believe that you'll never come around..how come the mighty have fallen down i don't believe i ever held my ground.
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This song...speaks for itself... it was introduced to me threw a group that i commuincate threw..and this song played. and i was like .. when lyrical people writes songs of your life... and it just hits.. and you know deep down its exactly what shoulda been said.. but imma hold my ground now.. What a lovely book with a freakin tragdey ending.. wow.. but you made the choice.. my hands are tied.. but my ground is FIRM.. and im building my stepping stones.. Gotta love songs like these.. if you click the link it will bring you to her website!!.. seriously click.. and listen to the song.. ^.^

..Sway..

To sway with emotion, to feel the darkness creep.. and you feel like your light is dimishing..just know that when you think you cant fight the sway.. just know that they bring us growth so you know your strenght.. sometimes you just need to know that the hand is there..just waiting for it to be grasped and it doesnt seem so lonely.. soo sway..away.. for i am standing right here.. providing the light..shining on..Lillian Rising...

...Riverside...

sometimes you gotta face the rapids alone.. and with a smile on your face.. knowing that everything is so right for this time of healing..so when you walk by the riverside.. smile..and sometimes the currents get harder to move through...so swim with the current..dont panic.. your strenght is in your strides.. so take the time to really appreacate the things that present themselves for it.. smile..because this is the year.. as syris's girlfriend dies..and as lillians rising.. with each beep of the lifesupport that is hers alone.. she just continues to swim with the current.. and live in the moment..oh my god i see everything is torn in the river deep..i dont know why...i go all the way down by the river side..ohh..yeah ohh.. the excitement of the new things and the work thats gonna get there.. new found enjoyment.. :)

...Busytiredyeahwooooah...

well im back into this frantic sleeping pattren.. when i crave to be awake.. and hating sleeping again..

...your not worth what i am bout to say but...here it fucking goes...



*i lay no claim to this picture*

Sometimes people make hard choices very easy for someone else.. I am happy to say that since you have been outta my life i have had the chance to walk with my head held high.. and a Huge ass smile across my face for i know..I KNOW ... The full Truth about the circumstances and all you can do is run your mouth like a little fuckin stuck on herself wench.. oh wait.. You cant take responceability for fucking up your own children..Oh thats right ITS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSES FUCKING FALUT.  you play the victum so well.. im sure you believe the stories you create. Storyteller Storyteller telll me another.. seriously hope that people start seeing you for the four faced monster you are.. if it wasnt for me stepping into you life and taking care of you children for the years i did.. 2 things woulda happened. 1, either they would have died.. and you taking ur life along with it... or 2. they woulda been put into fostercare.. and maybe that shoulda been done along time ago..For you did once say "if i had an eraser that came with life i woulda erased my kids"... but Im the monster eh... for i loved your kids unconditonally, i showed them compassion and understanding.. and yelled only when "justified" and i explained why i raised my voice. but you just wanna write a story about how things truely went.. you you you.. But seriously.. i shouldnt even justify myself... go drink another one gingersnapps.. goo pop another diet pill gingersnapp... seriously.. Thanks for proving JUST why after you unblocked me i was sooo pleased with myself and making sure you can never come back into my life.. Thanks for making that Choice for me.. now .. your dead to me... and mourned our friendship along time ago..Simply fuck off.. :-)

...Far...

...So i was introduced to this band..and my goodness..

im very thankful to "Sir.Bear" once again..

...It has really made me think about how certian things have over the last little while in my life..

..and how ive runned and pushed myself away from my ownself..

my own childhood memories..

Instead of pushing the pain away..

i have embraced it

and is learning from it.

Through Guidance..

Growth.

and once again..

I

Will

Rise

...The Emotional RollerCoster as of Late...

...Sighs...

...sorry..

Tonight.. there will be a new post..didnt write one for saturday.. ops..

...October 14...Aug 19th 2011 2pm....

As you slip into peaceful state.. Love you Grandma Joan...<3 for your love will help us through..

...Rain...

When i was a child, well even now.. i never thought she would leave me.. i thought she was gonna live forever.. and now shes sleeping.. slowly moving away into a state of peace.. how i will miss her.. i know that we got into our tiffs..and states of impossible..frets.. but she ultimently knew that I love her.. at times i just really wish i could have brought her home.. where she wanted to be.. sighz.. but i will not carry the guilt because she is in the best place possible. shes getting such loving care.. she is loved from the top of her head.. to the bottom of her feet...all the way out to her finger tips..the list of people that are consantly surrounding her with loving thoughts as she moves into the end of her life... Where she will be happy and walking beside God.. and Bill.. and everyone that had passed before her.. I know she didnt want us to cry for her but.. it still hurts and it comes flowing.. for i am an emotional person...but She will live forever in my heart..I LOVE YOU GRAMS!! ...

....For those who wait...Unbreakable...

 

I was introduced to this band today...and i would like to thank "Sir.Bear" for introducing them to me it was an epic find.. you did great.. they touched my heart and really made me think..

...Utterly Amazing Lyrical Aspect...

..Breathe..

Sometimes songs appear in your life with no understanding at all how they became so vivided in ones life.. this is one of those songs.. I just found it.. and it made me think.. this is my next blog.. so here it goes.. Im entering this chapter of my life..where breathing is going to be the most effective reminder.. instead of pushing the childhood memories aside..and the fears of abandonment.. ive faced my anxiety and why it happens..i have faced my angry and learned how to express it better.. and thats why im excited that im moving into this part of my healing process..Alone.. it will serve me well...Soooo Here weee goo!! with a skip in my step! ... Ready..Set..Go!!...

Shootin the Moon..

..WORHTY OF HEALING..

At this time in my life.. I have choosen a path that is tottally new to me.. the one of self discouvery and learning that i am worthy of healing.. I see myself come out more and more as the days go by.. the person that i once known.. Syris Girlfriend.. is dying.. and Lillan is rising.. its such an amazing feeling.. I try not to dwell on things i have no control over.. I do my best to move forward without too much looking behind me.. Im learning my worth.. and it was with Syris' walking away.. that really opened my eyes.. to the path that i was once so horribly lost on.. so i guess that there should be some thankful remarks placed. but im not quiet there yet.. dont get me wrong.. i dont hate the man.. just the actions he has sooo cowardly hid behind.. which i shoulda known all along that would happen...what a shame Lillian.. but enough.. If you couldnt see your worth how was he suposed to see it... Good question..So on this path i wander.. for i was once told the door handle is on the inside of the door not the outside.. so I must.. and i will Place my hand on the doors that are sooo tightly closed around me.. and investagate my surrounding world with guidance and support.. I am Excited to find out what will happen Next... Are you Ready??.... 

..Lillian Rising..
(artist: Victoria Frances)





..sighz..

Im having one of those dark moments..But i am in control.. i just wanna keep moving positively forward and the constant memory of these walls are haunting.. distructive.. not productive. I need my happy place.. and sitting here is making me miserable. and that is never good.. because happy is what im striving for.. the change in my heart.. is far more important then wallowing in this place...ohh well..

...When Lyrical people write your life in words...

... I just found this song lastnight.. and seriously.. has spoken deeply too me.. i just wanted to take this time to thank those people that have came and have left my life.. thank you for opening my eyes, and showing me the lessons.. that i needed to learn.. and knowing myself enough to be able to see them clearly.. I will continue to Strive foreward and move into this new life in this old world..

Little bit stronger..

...Now Thats done with...

"You gotta Endure the storm before seeing the sliverLining"
*found online lay no claim*

I had such an awesome day.. although things happened that were pretty rough.. but everyone is okay.. Beautiful reward got stung by a bee today and fell as she was trying to climb the tree.. but shes alright sleeping sweetly in her kingsize bed.. A seven yearold with a kingsize bed.. Spoiled.. lol.. but yeah.. Went to the lake.. spent most of the day outside in the glorious sun.. and the sun hid behind some clouds as we were leaving.. like a sign that means its time to go.. it was all around a great day.. got to spend time with family members and the neighbour as the kids where playing.. and the show is just about to began.. i feel like my energy is shifting into this positive atompsher and its going to be a mighty time..looking through the memories..and letting them goo.. and building lasting memories with my uncle.. it was great.. a month ago today.. i was learning to stand on my own feet.. and start building my own platform in my healing process..This Adventure is going to be epic.. soo.. i hope you have popcorn :).. its gonna be golden..

Fallulah- Use it for good :)

"Silence"...~ ...Ive never heard silence quiet this loud...~

When I feel i have said too much.. or not enough.. i tend to play this quiet card.. i take the time to allow the words ive said.. or havent said sink in.. I may have spoken outta turn.. so please forgive me.. i have things that i have to do within myself so my "baggage" isnt turned into something that can be used against me ever again.. I'm spending this time to get to know myself.. and learn the lessons i need to learn. but eventually.. I will beable to look back at this all and say.. wow look at the growth.. I am in a happy place in mylife...I will know my Worth. and i will celebrate in a years time.. and then i will open myself up to find that someone who is my second half.. whom ever it be.. but this is the year for me.. Talking with Supportive people.. and surround myself with understanding and Knowledge to know what will benifit me.. what will do the most good??.. soo.. if i shut down.. if i move away from conversations.. if i have given too much information.. Just bare with me.. and im worthy of this time of healing...if you dont understand then be like everyone else..and simply.. walk away... I am simply who i am.. nothing more nothing less.. take me as i am or keep freakin walking..



(* I lay no claim to this picture..i found it online *)

..Just A moment..

I wanna build foundations..of stone... not just sand.. and i first have to build them in me... i have to become my own rocks so when i finally am ready for a relationship.. My issues wont be my down fall..five years is along time to be with someone.. and i let him have the power over my happiness. i got lost.. and when he walked away.. i was completely Broken.. im getting to a place within myself.. that is going to change my belief system.. i just started this Journey..i need to learn that everyone isnt out to hurt me.. when they complement me.. they dont have a motive. to continue to learn that my lifesupport is within me. and at this point of my recovery.. i need to find my inner child and calm the noises of her constant worry that abandenment is going to occur.. that i can be safe again with my own understanding i can walk on my own..The intutition behind me is my guides helping me..my rebuild is diffrent for most. i know i have to do these steps alone.. so..

so..life got in the way again..

I sit in this four walled room with the door wide open and hearing the sound of a ticking clock.. my heart hurts...because the child i once new.. is still reculisive and blames her self when things go wrong.. its not her fault and i cant see why they always blame her for fights.. or say shes lying when she speaks freely to me.. They need to see that they are hurting mychild but their eyes are glued shut...

I am learning that i can only control my outcome. my beleif system has been shooken to the core.. why talk when they arent willing to listen, why feed into their bullshit.. Beautiful Reward i believe you and believe in you.. you will find your spirit again. While i am learning and healing myself from my past i will beginning to help heal you. help you connect to your innocents again.. you will be found.. <3...

I have been going through Rapid Uncontrollable change. I have given soo much power to someone else. that when they removed my platform.. I had to make the choice to become my own Lifesupport.. to make my heart bleep.. to be MY reason to continue on.. its an on going battle but i am ready and striving. I am not as nearly sad as i used to be. I'm focusing on staying in the moment.. living each second, Minute,Hour, Day.. Hell its been a month and Ten days.. i have my ups and my downs.. but seriously more ups lately then downs...

 I know that life will end soon, and my heart hurts.. but she knows that she is LOVED and has lived her life..and she has made the choices.. i really wish i was able to take her home though. and Love her until she rest peacefully.. I wish i could give her the world. soon she will be with the angels and the loves that have passed before.. sighs.  the tears will come in waves of emotional light.. but i know she knows.. and i gotta let God take the care of the rest.. <3

*In your hands we remain*
-I lay no claim to this picture for i found it online.-