...2 months...Lillian Rising...

Its been 2 months since..my life changed..and now i look back and wonder why?..why did i react the way that i did.. why do i carrie these scars..like little memories of what you were to me.. they make me angry now to look at them..i wish i wasnt soo frantic.. but i look at what i have a gained. the freedom..of living substance free.. from my life.. i have had the taste of living on my own and enjoying it.. and hoping that my living arrangement changes.. and that my mindset that surrounds me changes daily.. at first i couldnt take a compliment with out cringing.. couldnt believe anything anyone has said to me.. and i clearly look back at my life and see how much stress it actually caused me.. and how now that if someone is kind enough to post a complement i take it and i smile and i own it.. then move forward for self awearness is key as i move  from this downing state i can see my worth and that my issues will be worked thorough before going into my next adventure at this "love" thing.. and learning to be happy in the moments have really opened my eyes.. that living in the future of things never happen the way that you once hoped.. but living in the past just brings anxiety and nothing changes there either.. so living in the moment and enjoying the presant has soo much to offer.. and  thats all i can control...and thats all that i can accomplished..i hope your living where your wanting to be. and that your enjoying yourself and once again find your happiness.. i hope that soon i get outta this recalling.. Lillian Rising... Syris girlfriend dying..<3...

...Lyrical Emotional Escape...

Vinnie Macdonald

"How come the mighty have fallen down"

when i cant rest my weary head for all the rushing thoughts i throw it at the box instead but nothing stops everything is moving expect me.. and every thing is changing constantly..what will i treasure that you throw away forget tomorrow gotta make it through today held my eyes held my head..would it make a difference if i judge you instead i feel a distance like you were never there and all the memories are just a book i read somewhere.. how come the mighty have fallen down don't believe that i ever held my ground..is alright now for you to start again if that's your choice my hands are tied..is it so easy for you to walk away there's soo many things i forgot to say.. how come the mighty have fallen down i don't believe i ever held my ground..held my eyes held my head.. it wont make a difference if i judge you instead i feel the distance like you were never forget the memories cuz you don't care ..how come the mighty have fallen down i don't believe that you'll never come around..how come the mighty have fallen down i don't believe i ever held my ground.
---
This song...speaks for itself... it was introduced to me threw a group that i commuincate threw..and this song played. and i was like .. when lyrical people writes songs of your life... and it just hits.. and you know deep down its exactly what shoulda been said.. but imma hold my ground now.. What a lovely book with a freakin tragdey ending.. wow.. but you made the choice.. my hands are tied.. but my ground is FIRM.. and im building my stepping stones.. Gotta love songs like these.. if you click the link it will bring you to her website!!.. seriously click.. and listen to the song.. ^.^

..Sway..

To sway with emotion, to feel the darkness creep.. and you feel like your light is dimishing..just know that when you think you cant fight the sway.. just know that they bring us growth so you know your strenght.. sometimes you just need to know that the hand is there..just waiting for it to be grasped and it doesnt seem so lonely.. soo sway..away.. for i am standing right here.. providing the light..shining on..Lillian Rising...

...Riverside...

sometimes you gotta face the rapids alone.. and with a smile on your face.. knowing that everything is so right for this time of healing..so when you walk by the riverside.. smile..and sometimes the currents get harder to move through...so swim with the current..dont panic.. your strenght is in your strides.. so take the time to really appreacate the things that present themselves for it.. smile..because this is the year.. as syris's girlfriend dies..and as lillians rising.. with each beep of the lifesupport that is hers alone.. she just continues to swim with the current.. and live in the moment..oh my god i see everything is torn in the river deep..i dont know why...i go all the way down by the river side..ohh..yeah ohh.. the excitement of the new things and the work thats gonna get there.. new found enjoyment.. :)

...Busytiredyeahwooooah...

well im back into this frantic sleeping pattren.. when i crave to be awake.. and hating sleeping again..

...your not worth what i am bout to say but...here it fucking goes...



*i lay no claim to this picture*

Sometimes people make hard choices very easy for someone else.. I am happy to say that since you have been outta my life i have had the chance to walk with my head held high.. and a Huge ass smile across my face for i know..I KNOW ... The full Truth about the circumstances and all you can do is run your mouth like a little fuckin stuck on herself wench.. oh wait.. You cant take responceability for fucking up your own children..Oh thats right ITS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSES FUCKING FALUT.  you play the victum so well.. im sure you believe the stories you create. Storyteller Storyteller telll me another.. seriously hope that people start seeing you for the four faced monster you are.. if it wasnt for me stepping into you life and taking care of you children for the years i did.. 2 things woulda happened. 1, either they would have died.. and you taking ur life along with it... or 2. they woulda been put into fostercare.. and maybe that shoulda been done along time ago..For you did once say "if i had an eraser that came with life i woulda erased my kids"... but Im the monster eh... for i loved your kids unconditonally, i showed them compassion and understanding.. and yelled only when "justified" and i explained why i raised my voice. but you just wanna write a story about how things truely went.. you you you.. But seriously.. i shouldnt even justify myself... go drink another one gingersnapps.. goo pop another diet pill gingersnapp... seriously.. Thanks for proving JUST why after you unblocked me i was sooo pleased with myself and making sure you can never come back into my life.. Thanks for making that Choice for me.. now .. your dead to me... and mourned our friendship along time ago..Simply fuck off.. :-)

...Far...

...So i was introduced to this band..and my goodness..

im very thankful to "Sir.Bear" once again..

...It has really made me think about how certian things have over the last little while in my life..

..and how ive runned and pushed myself away from my ownself..

my own childhood memories..

Instead of pushing the pain away..

i have embraced it

and is learning from it.

Through Guidance..

Growth.

and once again..

I

Will

Rise

...The Emotional RollerCoster as of Late...

...Sighs...

...sorry..

Tonight.. there will be a new post..didnt write one for saturday.. ops..

...October 14...Aug 19th 2011 2pm....

As you slip into peaceful state.. Love you Grandma Joan...<3 for your love will help us through..

...Rain...

When i was a child, well even now.. i never thought she would leave me.. i thought she was gonna live forever.. and now shes sleeping.. slowly moving away into a state of peace.. how i will miss her.. i know that we got into our tiffs..and states of impossible..frets.. but she ultimently knew that I love her.. at times i just really wish i could have brought her home.. where she wanted to be.. sighz.. but i will not carry the guilt because she is in the best place possible. shes getting such loving care.. she is loved from the top of her head.. to the bottom of her feet...all the way out to her finger tips..the list of people that are consantly surrounding her with loving thoughts as she moves into the end of her life... Where she will be happy and walking beside God.. and Bill.. and everyone that had passed before her.. I know she didnt want us to cry for her but.. it still hurts and it comes flowing.. for i am an emotional person...but She will live forever in my heart..I LOVE YOU GRAMS!! ...

....For those who wait...Unbreakable...

 

I was introduced to this band today...and i would like to thank "Sir.Bear" for introducing them to me it was an epic find.. you did great.. they touched my heart and really made me think..

...Utterly Amazing Lyrical Aspect...

..Breathe..

Sometimes songs appear in your life with no understanding at all how they became so vivided in ones life.. this is one of those songs.. I just found it.. and it made me think.. this is my next blog.. so here it goes.. Im entering this chapter of my life..where breathing is going to be the most effective reminder.. instead of pushing the childhood memories aside..and the fears of abandonment.. ive faced my anxiety and why it happens..i have faced my angry and learned how to express it better.. and thats why im excited that im moving into this part of my healing process..Alone.. it will serve me well...Soooo Here weee goo!! with a skip in my step! ... Ready..Set..Go!!...

Shootin the Moon..

..WORHTY OF HEALING..

At this time in my life.. I have choosen a path that is tottally new to me.. the one of self discouvery and learning that i am worthy of healing.. I see myself come out more and more as the days go by.. the person that i once known.. Syris Girlfriend.. is dying.. and Lillan is rising.. its such an amazing feeling.. I try not to dwell on things i have no control over.. I do my best to move forward without too much looking behind me.. Im learning my worth.. and it was with Syris' walking away.. that really opened my eyes.. to the path that i was once so horribly lost on.. so i guess that there should be some thankful remarks placed. but im not quiet there yet.. dont get me wrong.. i dont hate the man.. just the actions he has sooo cowardly hid behind.. which i shoulda known all along that would happen...what a shame Lillian.. but enough.. If you couldnt see your worth how was he suposed to see it... Good question..So on this path i wander.. for i was once told the door handle is on the inside of the door not the outside.. so I must.. and i will Place my hand on the doors that are sooo tightly closed around me.. and investagate my surrounding world with guidance and support.. I am Excited to find out what will happen Next... Are you Ready??.... 

..Lillian Rising..
(artist: Victoria Frances)





..sighz..

Im having one of those dark moments..But i am in control.. i just wanna keep moving positively forward and the constant memory of these walls are haunting.. distructive.. not productive. I need my happy place.. and sitting here is making me miserable. and that is never good.. because happy is what im striving for.. the change in my heart.. is far more important then wallowing in this place...ohh well..

...When Lyrical people write your life in words...

... I just found this song lastnight.. and seriously.. has spoken deeply too me.. i just wanted to take this time to thank those people that have came and have left my life.. thank you for opening my eyes, and showing me the lessons.. that i needed to learn.. and knowing myself enough to be able to see them clearly.. I will continue to Strive foreward and move into this new life in this old world..

Little bit stronger..

...Now Thats done with...

"You gotta Endure the storm before seeing the sliverLining"
*found online lay no claim*

I had such an awesome day.. although things happened that were pretty rough.. but everyone is okay.. Beautiful reward got stung by a bee today and fell as she was trying to climb the tree.. but shes alright sleeping sweetly in her kingsize bed.. A seven yearold with a kingsize bed.. Spoiled.. lol.. but yeah.. Went to the lake.. spent most of the day outside in the glorious sun.. and the sun hid behind some clouds as we were leaving.. like a sign that means its time to go.. it was all around a great day.. got to spend time with family members and the neighbour as the kids where playing.. and the show is just about to began.. i feel like my energy is shifting into this positive atompsher and its going to be a mighty time..looking through the memories..and letting them goo.. and building lasting memories with my uncle.. it was great.. a month ago today.. i was learning to stand on my own feet.. and start building my own platform in my healing process..This Adventure is going to be epic.. soo.. i hope you have popcorn :).. its gonna be golden..

Fallulah- Use it for good :)

"Silence"...~ ...Ive never heard silence quiet this loud...~

When I feel i have said too much.. or not enough.. i tend to play this quiet card.. i take the time to allow the words ive said.. or havent said sink in.. I may have spoken outta turn.. so please forgive me.. i have things that i have to do within myself so my "baggage" isnt turned into something that can be used against me ever again.. I'm spending this time to get to know myself.. and learn the lessons i need to learn. but eventually.. I will beable to look back at this all and say.. wow look at the growth.. I am in a happy place in mylife...I will know my Worth. and i will celebrate in a years time.. and then i will open myself up to find that someone who is my second half.. whom ever it be.. but this is the year for me.. Talking with Supportive people.. and surround myself with understanding and Knowledge to know what will benifit me.. what will do the most good??.. soo.. if i shut down.. if i move away from conversations.. if i have given too much information.. Just bare with me.. and im worthy of this time of healing...if you dont understand then be like everyone else..and simply.. walk away... I am simply who i am.. nothing more nothing less.. take me as i am or keep freakin walking..



(* I lay no claim to this picture..i found it online *)

..Just A moment..

I wanna build foundations..of stone... not just sand.. and i first have to build them in me... i have to become my own rocks so when i finally am ready for a relationship.. My issues wont be my down fall..five years is along time to be with someone.. and i let him have the power over my happiness. i got lost.. and when he walked away.. i was completely Broken.. im getting to a place within myself.. that is going to change my belief system.. i just started this Journey..i need to learn that everyone isnt out to hurt me.. when they complement me.. they dont have a motive. to continue to learn that my lifesupport is within me. and at this point of my recovery.. i need to find my inner child and calm the noises of her constant worry that abandenment is going to occur.. that i can be safe again with my own understanding i can walk on my own..The intutition behind me is my guides helping me..my rebuild is diffrent for most. i know i have to do these steps alone.. so..

so..life got in the way again..

I sit in this four walled room with the door wide open and hearing the sound of a ticking clock.. my heart hurts...because the child i once new.. is still reculisive and blames her self when things go wrong.. its not her fault and i cant see why they always blame her for fights.. or say shes lying when she speaks freely to me.. They need to see that they are hurting mychild but their eyes are glued shut...

I am learning that i can only control my outcome. my beleif system has been shooken to the core.. why talk when they arent willing to listen, why feed into their bullshit.. Beautiful Reward i believe you and believe in you.. you will find your spirit again. While i am learning and healing myself from my past i will beginning to help heal you. help you connect to your innocents again.. you will be found.. <3...

I have been going through Rapid Uncontrollable change. I have given soo much power to someone else. that when they removed my platform.. I had to make the choice to become my own Lifesupport.. to make my heart bleep.. to be MY reason to continue on.. its an on going battle but i am ready and striving. I am not as nearly sad as i used to be. I'm focusing on staying in the moment.. living each second, Minute,Hour, Day.. Hell its been a month and Ten days.. i have my ups and my downs.. but seriously more ups lately then downs...

 I know that life will end soon, and my heart hurts.. but she knows that she is LOVED and has lived her life..and she has made the choices.. i really wish i was able to take her home though. and Love her until she rest peacefully.. I wish i could give her the world. soon she will be with the angels and the loves that have passed before.. sighs.  the tears will come in waves of emotional light.. but i know she knows.. and i gotta let God take the care of the rest.. <3

*In your hands we remain*
-I lay no claim to this picture for i found it online.-