....4 Months....

...its been four months...im grateful for the steps that i continue to make.. i have become more self aware.. and my self respect is up and my authentic self is moving into the reality of my stance every day. with all the work i have been doing.. i dont stand in sadness..and get lost in which i dont have. although i love him still doesnt mean that even if he wanted to come back that i would be able to bring him in close. for this year is the most important to me.. to soothe my innerchild..to stand in my witness and move forward..yes i have issues with looking back and remembering the past.. but i am doing it as my witness.. not as the storyteller in which she makes it more difficult.. i stand in love.. and maybe one day i will be able to move away from it.. be able to truely let go of this..with time everything heals... just gotta be willing,

...Beautiful Syris.Edward...

"when life leaves us blind..love will keep us kind"-linkin park..

 The words to write you doesn't come easy.. every word is thought out and intently thought about. for i am saying what my heart and inner voice needs to say.. i go through these stages of recalling..of deep controlled missing.. i don't allow my mind to go into a dark place..although I've tried this hating you thing..but it just makes me miss you even more..i don't think my body will allow me to have those feelings of dislike. i don't understand what happened..I'm trying to find closure..with every Movement i speak.. I'm trying to learn to let you go..but when i look beside me i feel you there..when i look behind me..i feel you there..when i feel hands on my spirit..I feel yours..i know that you don't wanna talk to me..that your not ready..but i hope you know..that i would always answer your call..that i would sit down and talk with you with out wanting to fight...I am in the process of healing and walking this path alone..and i am enjoying my time with myself..I'm learning how to be present..instead of living in my emotions..and allowing them to dictate my outlook on situations.. i just want you to know that you are missed..daily.. and its more like .. i wonder what he is up to now..i hope he is well..i hope he is happy..does he miss me as much as i miss him..i have always told you i loved you unconditionally.. and that hasn't changed. i may be over stepping a line.. from the top of your head..to your toes..all the way out to your finger tips.. When anah asks about you..i made a promise to your mother.. that anah would know that you loved her..although you can not be with her.. she still knows you love her..i do not talk ill of you in a hateful manner.. i do call you a coward for the way things happen. how you couldn't face me..and you cant give me a reason why. its sad..that it came down the way it did. but again i take responsibility for my reaction, i know this is about validation. that i more then likely will not receive.. but i don't carry that with me.. i write it out to let you know that I'm always thinking about you. and that's prolly desperation in your eyes.. but i know that it comes from a place of love. i know that i shouldnt use that word when im just talking to the air.. to the memories that haunt these walls..

"you could never be replaced ..even though you know my heart is free"- Dub FX

...Your Life speaks to you in a Whisper...

"Whispers"

watching Oprah's life class.

what she is basicly talking here is listening to the small voice inside you that walks with you and guides you.. to lead with your intutiton.. to feel the whisper and go with it.. and listen to what your body is telling you. if you dont listen to the whisper.. it gets louder.. and your anxiety will kick up and then the next its like ha! you cant ignore me..and hits you with a brick wall.. there are many times that i walk with my intutition, it has never lead me far from the truth of things.. and not this false truth. that is made up by my ego aka storyteller. its your inner alert button screaming for you to listen to it.. and if you dont listen you detattched yourself from the world and your surrounds and useally ended up runnin around like no ones home inside yourself. so connect with your whisper. and feel your energy transform into your Authentic self :)

...Fly With Me..

..I have fallen i love with DubFX..

..Soo Fly with Me..

<3

...Wolf and I...

when i listen to this song..

so much things come up for me..

it touches my soul..

and makes me sway.. 

...Dissociation only last sooo long...

...I held you once..so deep inside me..you showed me alot of things.. you taught me..and then we lost our common goal..we drifited.. detattched...pushed eacother sooo far away from eachother..as heartsbreak..it needed to happen..for healing to start..and greater understanding..and great focus..to allow our souls recover..from the tradegy that we once called "Love"... I hate the fact that i still stand in days of mourning..of great missing..dissociation with reailty at times.. lost in a stare.. i push the memory of you a side most days.. most nights.. and i try and make my self hate you.. and it just makes me miss you more..

...Responsibility...

just finished watching oprah's lifeclass

Taking Responsibility for your own life...

theres places in my life where i have to look at the energy that i projected.. and who i held and made them be people that "saved" me from myself.. but seriously.. im the only one that could save myself it is not up to someone else or something else to do that. I apologized for past mistakes, i can not live in the past nor the future.. i have to continue to live in every moment as it passes me by.. and learn that i can only control my power and my actions. this is my life.. i am the lead role.. i am the purpose and this life is all i have.. so i should make the best of it. for its my duty to live it to the fullest. and take ownership of everything that has happened. my own suicide attempt was not someone elses doing.. it was me who picked up the knife.. it was me that made the choice to drag it across my wrist.. it was also ME that picked up the phone to learn how to be my own life support.. It was me that signed myself in.. and i now look at these scars as learnin tools of what i need to do in this to find my inner peace.. because it starts with me. and my ownership on things. i need to be held responsible for my own actions and i should take ownership in my own mind mess. yes actions of others put me in a frenzy but they were doing what was best for them. and i am understanding that now.

...Love Me Or Not!...

...I have always been affected by music...

somtimes songs come into your life

when you needed it

so no matter what

you gotta wake up and face another day

Thank you Steven

for introducing me to this gentleman

Thank you Jenny

for sharing this song with me!!



...EveryBody Has a Calling...

...Everyone has a Calling.. inner beauty..When you know better you do better...

these are the next 3 epidsodes of lifeclass..


I havent been able to comment on these ones i need to sit with them a little longer...maybe i will come back to them later or just leave it,, they have resinated in my situation but i havent been able to run with it yet,

Lillian!

...Grateful..

...To be grateful...

im sitting in this house..of great memories..but surrounded by the emptiness that has been created.. but I am Grateful.. to still be here.. the Tradgies.. come with the sway of things.. but the joyith always comes in the morrow.. so when i have my darkness sways.. I remember.. that i am the only reason..for me to keep going.. i have alot to offer. and alot to show the world.. as my true authentic self emergs outta the ashes of my past.. and what was.. i will shine through it all.. and let my light and strive for greatness and victoriousness.. :)

..Lillian Rising!!..

...Joy Rising..

...This is Oraph's fifth show.. its a recap of all the Joy Rising events she had on her show..

...Joy Rising...

Joy Rising for me is celebrating the good things i have in my life.. the love of a beautiful child..and great family and friends.. The support that i have surrounding me.. the laughter that i have experinced with out any hiding.. the smiles that crosses my mouth daily.. I am strong and will get through everything that surrounds me negatively.. and my Joy rising!! as i find my true authentic self.. and embrace her fully :)...

...the Truth Will Set You Free!...

This is oprah's Fourth Class

The Truth Will Set You Free!!

Oraph is taking about how living in Truth of yourself..

"To Ellen! - I loved you then! ... I love you Now.. I am glad that you are able to live in your true self!.. Keep up the great work Much love <3 ... "

I feel like with all the Help im recieiving.. i am starting to live in my truth. My true self..and it will grow into someone  that will accomplished.  But like everything else.. It will take Practice...

Its time to look at things as a blessings not a hinderances!..

...You become what you Believe...

this is the third show..of .. Oprah's Lifelessons...
....You Become What You Believe.....

"be still, and know that i am God" -Psalms 46:10

i feel like i am in the right spot in my life.. to learn that my worth and happiness is a reachable goal. as i work through this darkness and learn through self awearness i will stand in my glory and i will be victorious in all things i put my mind and spirit into.. i will become happy and live with in my means, and learn to let the past be the past and the future be the future but stand with in my Presance. and know deeply that its acheiveable!.. and morphin my Belief system within side myself, and changing my filters. i will become more into my true self.. with every moment :)

...Letting go of Anger...

...This is second show of.. "Oprah's lifelessons"...

                                ...Anger...

I get angry, but im one to let go of it pretty insantly these days, other then dealing with syris' mother.. but i hold her responceable of the situation at hand. but i dont let it enrage me unless i see her.. other then that my anger level is pretty chill.



...The False power of Ego..

so im following this new show.. from oprah.. this is the first show..

her first step was

the Ego-Self Paradox - E.Edinger

 ..where is your ego getting in your way..

1. Close your eyes.. and noticed what your thinking.. notice your thoughts.. who is thinking those thoughts.. can you notice there is a space where your observing the thoughts.. and where you are awear of those thoughts..you are that awearness, your authentic self..
 - so when your fakin yourself through things.. and you hide behind things that arent benfiting your form..  Remainin connected to your true self.. you arent definded about "stuff".. you gotta live in the moment of things and remain there.. and learning to stand in ones true authentic self.. not what your storyteller is creating in your mindset. the "false" comforts of things cause anxiety and stress because your ego is trying to keep the facade.. "Ego is disassoiscation from your true sence of self worth. - Oprah" ... -- when you acknowledge your ego it deminishes its power..-..wow..- ive noticed that my emotional rollercoaster is my ego flaring up... intresting.. -- now going into my rant about this.. I have noticed when i give my power away to my ego..when i give my power away to others.. im not living in my true self.  i must define Myself.  No one else can. or will. for i am in the control of my own paths and steps.. "You Alone Are Enough..- Oprah".. so no matter the situation. no matter the "Chaos" being awear of your true self..is Extremely Important to yourself!! Acknowledge and Awearness..

...These walls...

I'm just gonna start writing and not push the backspace button and allow my words run through me.. let me feel them.. so here it goes.. i enter this house and i feel anxiety as the houses memories play like little reels of tape and the triggers that spike my mind frame.. i hate sitting here.. i hate these walls.. for the remind me of what i don't have anymore..the unconditional love that was once surrounded me.. is gone and it makes me..scared.. i know i have given myself a year to get through this .. passed my issues that surround my path..and sometimes even stop me in my stride.. but you know.. its all about practicing the new tools i have.. i don't need to hurt myself to stop me from feeling this hurt.. i don't like feeling this hurt.. i rather run from it avoid it .. dismiss it..like i was dismissed.. i know that i am happier now.. but the nights are still as hard as the first night.. oh my i hate this house !!.. i think its time for me to find my own space.. so i cant be taunted anymore..

...Anger...

...i woke up from a dream kinda angerily today.. then my mood switched like it normally does .. into this happy carefree delightful position..found a really good song today.. "the bitch came back- Theory of a Deadman" ..it was great.. then i just had to go into walmart.. i was coming to the line..and saw someone..Syris's Mother.. and my goodness.. Triggered soo hardcore into Anger..that there was no way around it.. i had to release it.. doesnt hurt but i did break skin on my knuckles.. but damn...Why the hell does my spirit giving her soo much power to beable to trigger that emotion.. i dont like it.. not at all. it just seems to be a little fucked up.. i can talk to other people that minds me of their family..freely happily..her.. Just the thought of her makes me angry.. to the point that i just have no choice but to sit in it.. i know it doesnt benifit me in anyway to carrie this with me.. so i really dont know how to release it.. other then either punching something or ... there is no or.. because seriously.. i aint going to revert..im doing good..get outta manic...and back to happy..i dunno!!... arghhhhh...

....Sway full....3 months..

...3 MONTHS IN REVIEW...

...So looking back to the start of this horrific scary life changing event..wow Lillian.. you have seriously moved forward and took the steps you have needed too.. the movement forward.. with out syris.. you smile more. you dance more..and sway less.. and less.. yeah my heart will have scars..but like everything else.. it will fade with time.. and just keep moving foward.. living for yourself.. and thats amazing!.. keep up the great headspace... the weight.. hasnt been so lifted that lightness is all i feel.. wow.. Great Job! Proud of you... Lillian Rising