....not here today...gone somewhere else...

I feel a little distant today.. five months to the day.. i know that i am surrounded by love and that i am safe.. but this day is really hard and im kinda distant.. side tracked..mind is somewhere else.. disassoicated.. mind space ... and it has done itself! i have no control over how distant i have become.. in the last 24hours.. i instantly dettach myself from this day...cuz i go into my state of recalling..had alot of talking about syris today...with beautiful reward and papa and boychild...brought up a memory.. but the most heartful journey was with beautiful reward.. it was important to have the conversation with her.. to see where she was in her healing process about the whole situation.. she is remarkable.. such a trooper.. i love her.. <3 .. im not gonna get into it though..sighs..--- *reached out for support* ---
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-->I am thankful for the support i have around me.. and the love that they show me...i feel extremely blessed to be surrounded by such awesome people.. From Wifey to Dawnzy to Sir.Bear.. to Michael...to Perky to..family im glad i have surrounded myself with such understanding and amazing people.. greatful for everyone of you .... i feel alittle more presant. <3 <--

...5 months...

Letting Go and Let God...

looking back over the last five months...i woke up from a horrible mess.... with this new understanding of me..and what i needed to continue this path of healing.. i have looked at my past head on and learned to stop living there..making sure i don't carry those burdens into my new relationship..but i have this uncontrollable fear.. and i acknowledge.. the fact that some of the insecurities are coming up.. and I'm trying my best to work through them.. so the same bullshit doesn't happen.. i am learning to step more into the witness of the situation and stand there.. and realize that the storyteller.. needs to be reign in.. that it is okay to allow yourself to count on someone else and be vulnerable and can allow someone else in..i have learned to allow my joy to be overflowing.. i am in control of the energy that i project into a room.. i can light up and be happy part of the world.. i can now take complement with out cringing.. i can take peoples word for what its worth.. and see the person full that stand in front of me.. or beside me.. and behind me.. and i have learned to stand for myself.. i have come from this dark place into the light that surrounds me.. i am risen from the ashes of the past.. into this beautiful flightful bird.. with Great color.. i feel free to move forward.. into this loving relationship.. he stands beside me.. with his hand on my shoulder and one on my heart.. he understands the path i had behind me and i am willing and ready and able to start this beautiful dance with.. i stand in the present of things and can gladly say.. Everything is right within me.. and around me... i am right where I am needing to be.. starting this great exciting path.. i feel loved.respected.understood.communicative.Trustful.Important.Special.Challenged.Safe...
i read somewhere.. that if you want growth find someone that with disagree with you ... if you wanna stay content.. get someone that agrees with you...i have found my match in  many ways..but he also challenges my belief system..his love is pure..and he surrounds my cup..i finally feel like i got my "equally yoked" match.. which is an amazing feeling..but quite scary..i feel good tension.. a little guarded.. but i will work through it.. because I'm committed to this process. :) I'm not going anywhere..<3

...Oh Lord...

Jesus, i just wanna take this time to thank you for everything you have put in my path.. from the supporting family and firends.. and most of all i would love to thank you for the trails that i have gone through for it has shown me this path that is before me..i want to thank you for guiding me when i was blind..and hurting.. Thank you for holding me through some of the darkest parts of my life.. ...for your light has always had its hand on my heart.. im entering the next part of my life and i wanna thank you for showing me the path first of inner joy and teaching me how to accept the reality of living here in the presant.. and showing me through everything your power dances with my soul..Thank you for the path im about to embark on.. in your name i pray.. Amen

...wow...

wow.. the feeling of butterflies flow through my tummi.. with great excitement.. the new path..has open doors for me that have once be soo tightly closed.. and my intution isnt telling me to run the other way.. i feel like i should embrace this .. and leave the memories, where they are.. and just continue to move forward happily. and embraced the smiles and joy rising.. wow..