Grace

I know that i haven't been writing many blogs these days.. July 1st, was a year that Syris had moved away. it took me awhile to realize that he was giving me a gift. i said in one of my posts earlier that i should be give him thanks..but i couldn't so i am going to give it now. im thankful for the gift he gave me of freedom. he showed me love..even tho i was in such blinding pain. im thankful for this time. it allowed me to stand and grow. it let me move forward. and heal my much needed path. im also thankful for unanswered prayers. due to the fact that i prayed for jesus to just take me home with him. that i didnt want to be here anymore..pleaded with him. but he just shows me that i wasnt done yet. i had more things to learn and accomplish.  the light that shines through me is bright and brilliant. i know how to calm myself .. i am proud of   where i am going. no matter the struggle I AM STRONG. I AM WORTHY, I AM JOYFUL, and Victorious!. i will continue to move forward with such happiness. <3 Lillian Risen :)

..Ten Months...

my mind still wanders into place of sorrow..I've started working with children..they bring me joy when i am sad.. i hear their giggles and it makes the world happier place..i found out today that Syris has a girlfriend..but he downgraded.. lmao.. that made me happy...I'm happy that he has found someone to fill his days with..and i wish them luck..and happiness.. i do my best to move forward in my life.. but i still miss him.. I smile with the future i have... and the joy that will come out of it..instead of being addicted to the sadness.

...Betrayal...

its sad when you feel like this..

...Hearts a Mess...

"this song is owned and everything by the artist

Gotye- Hearts A Mess"

...Nine months....I have entered my journey on this healing path.. going threw stages of missing.. ending relationships at whims..because as soon as i feel okay.. i push myself away.. i wonder why that is..i don't love unconditionally anymore.. there is always strings attached, and I'm not used to that.. I'm over protecting myself.. I'm scared of being hurt like syris has.. with the silence he projects..i know its over...i feel it slipping away.. then a memory pops up.. and i tend to stay sad in the moment but then move on to something else... they are steady..but starting to fade out abit.. but seriously i have only felt safe with one person..why am i so stuck on "someone that i used to know..-gotye" seriously ... i guess I'm just a mess.. -- i will continue my path.. as I'm rising from the ashes of my past...-- I am Loveable..I am Worthy...I am Important.. And I will Rise Above It all :)--



...Failure...

i dont want to sit here and throw a pity party for myself.. i wish the scars would fade.. and my heart heals.. but with each new slash an old one reopens.. so how do i stand here and be treated less then i am.. i know my worth.. and i fight for my right to speak on a daily basics.. just to be told i have no right...so i'll take this failing mark.. and learn from it.. with saying yes to you.. am i saying no to myself??..its Healthy to have boundries. and shine through them.. but im personally attacking when i request such a state..im the bad person.. with every reaction theres an action.. and with acting.. and moving my boundries and my comfortability lessesn with each fight..with each guilt trip thrown.. i move away .. just something i gotta deal with eh...

...The quicken steps...

during this time..i feel like my steps are quickened.. and positively moving forward into the light..as slightly looking behind me still.. missing the moments..but i was once told that J's are diffrent then K's and even in the alphabet.. but i feel quickened.. and a little frightened at times but im happy where i am.. i never thought i would be here in this moment...look at all the changes.. that has happened. and the greatfulness that has been shown.. wow.. im just going to continue to move forward.. and see where it goes..and enjoy the new moments. :)

...Merry Christmas / Happy baby Jesus Birthday...Happy New Year...

So this past year i have faced some deep fears.. and hard losses.. but i am thankful for everything i have gone through and witnessed and endured..for it has made me this strong woman that stands in front of you.. I lost a few pounds of  personal baggage.. I was forced to lay it all down.. and walk away.. and i have learned that threw it all.. i am proud of the steps i have taken.. and pulled my own self up outta the darkness i was thrown into.. i smile more.. i laugh more.. i enjoy the people i surround myself with.. im not over compensating with the things i gained.. just more thankful for the time that is spent with those people.. (you know who you are :P)... i still sway hardcore.. nonetheless i wish you all a happy new year.. and hope all your dreams come true :)