Gingerbreads with Beautiful Reward :)

sometimes life gets in the way.,,soo...im starting a new chapter..

  With a pregnancy with my second child..Beautiful reward is going to be a big sister. shes excited.. but kinda reclusive on the idea.. she already has a baby brother that she is already annoyed with lol.. but shes cut from my cloth.. i understand her alot. i miss her. but i get to see her alot these days.. its quiet nice not fighting with them to see her.. i just hope it continues to work out..this way.. but this new baby is 13 weeks along.. and cooking up a great storm inside me..a striving situation for stability,.  life gets hectic and outta sorts.. when impulse control and relevance in seeing past your own way of thinking  long enough to get out of your own way is reclusive  and far from reality.. is hard to deal with on a regular basis..were acting out is okay..only if he does it.. but not acceptable to be called on it.. but i guess that's what i get for asking for a child..and not get lost in that down fall.. im hoping as soon as he hold his child.. it will give him a calmer perception..but it might just make it worst .. children are stressors in daily normal life.. how is he supposed to control him self long enough to care for someone other then his own beating heart.??.. in some ways i know im going to be doing this alone with out any real help from him.. and i have come to accept that im okay with that.. and im learning that i cant expect gold outta copper... it just doesnt work..  

Grace

I know that i haven't been writing many blogs these days.. July 1st, was a year that Syris had moved away. it took me awhile to realize that he was giving me a gift. i said in one of my posts earlier that i should be give him thanks..but i couldn't so i am going to give it now. im thankful for the gift he gave me of freedom. he showed me love..even tho i was in such blinding pain. im thankful for this time. it allowed me to stand and grow. it let me move forward. and heal my much needed path. im also thankful for unanswered prayers. due to the fact that i prayed for jesus to just take me home with him. that i didnt want to be here anymore..pleaded with him. but he just shows me that i wasnt done yet. i had more things to learn and accomplish.  the light that shines through me is bright and brilliant. i know how to calm myself .. i am proud of   where i am going. no matter the struggle I AM STRONG. I AM WORTHY, I AM JOYFUL, and Victorious!. i will continue to move forward with such happiness. <3 Lillian Risen :)

..Ten Months...

my mind still wanders into place of sorrow..I've started working with children..they bring me joy when i am sad.. i hear their giggles and it makes the world happier place..i found out today that Syris has a girlfriend..but he downgraded.. lmao.. that made me happy...I'm happy that he has found someone to fill his days with..and i wish them luck..and happiness.. i do my best to move forward in my life.. but i still miss him.. I smile with the future i have... and the joy that will come out of it..instead of being addicted to the sadness.

...Betrayal...

its sad when you feel like this..

...Hearts a Mess...

"this song is owned and everything by the artist

Gotye- Hearts A Mess"

...Nine months....I have entered my journey on this healing path.. going threw stages of missing.. ending relationships at whims..because as soon as i feel okay.. i push myself away.. i wonder why that is..i don't love unconditionally anymore.. there is always strings attached, and I'm not used to that.. I'm over protecting myself.. I'm scared of being hurt like syris has.. with the silence he projects..i know its over...i feel it slipping away.. then a memory pops up.. and i tend to stay sad in the moment but then move on to something else... they are steady..but starting to fade out abit.. but seriously i have only felt safe with one person..why am i so stuck on "someone that i used to know..-gotye" seriously ... i guess I'm just a mess.. -- i will continue my path.. as I'm rising from the ashes of my past...-- I am Loveable..I am Worthy...I am Important.. And I will Rise Above It all :)--



...Failure...

i dont want to sit here and throw a pity party for myself.. i wish the scars would fade.. and my heart heals.. but with each new slash an old one reopens.. so how do i stand here and be treated less then i am.. i know my worth.. and i fight for my right to speak on a daily basics.. just to be told i have no right...so i'll take this failing mark.. and learn from it.. with saying yes to you.. am i saying no to myself??..its Healthy to have boundries. and shine through them.. but im personally attacking when i request such a state..im the bad person.. with every reaction theres an action.. and with acting.. and moving my boundries and my comfortability lessesn with each fight..with each guilt trip thrown.. i move away .. just something i gotta deal with eh...

...The quicken steps...

during this time..i feel like my steps are quickened.. and positively moving forward into the light..as slightly looking behind me still.. missing the moments..but i was once told that J's are diffrent then K's and even in the alphabet.. but i feel quickened.. and a little frightened at times but im happy where i am.. i never thought i would be here in this moment...look at all the changes.. that has happened. and the greatfulness that has been shown.. wow.. im just going to continue to move forward.. and see where it goes..and enjoy the new moments. :)

...Merry Christmas / Happy baby Jesus Birthday...Happy New Year...

So this past year i have faced some deep fears.. and hard losses.. but i am thankful for everything i have gone through and witnessed and endured..for it has made me this strong woman that stands in front of you.. I lost a few pounds of  personal baggage.. I was forced to lay it all down.. and walk away.. and i have learned that threw it all.. i am proud of the steps i have taken.. and pulled my own self up outta the darkness i was thrown into.. i smile more.. i laugh more.. i enjoy the people i surround myself with.. im not over compensating with the things i gained.. just more thankful for the time that is spent with those people.. (you know who you are :P)... i still sway hardcore.. nonetheless i wish you all a happy new year.. and hope all your dreams come true :)

... Fikiran saya terus membawa saya kembali ...

kadang-kadang fikiran saya hilang dalam fikiran anda .. cara bahawa suara anda berbunyi ...cara yang anda menyentuh hati saya ..bagaimana anda dengar .. kemudian berpandukan saya perlahan-lahan ke arah yang betul menunjukkan saya kekuatan untuk menghadapi ketakutan yang tidak realistik i menghadapi ... dan bagaimana menyedihkan adalah bahawa kita terpaksa biarkan ia pergi .. i masih hilang dalam memori anda..menghidupkan kembali tarian kita berkongsi ..Saya berterima kasih untuk masa yang kita telah bersama-sama .. i masih berasa anda berhampiran saya ..dan im masih bekerja melalui kesakitan antara kamu tidak lagi di sini ..jadi saya berjalan dalam penentuan hidup dalam keadaan gembira gembira fikiran .. dan i akan mencari keselesaan saya dalam pendirian ... kerana hati saya meluncur ke elses seseorang genggam .. dan dengan hati yang berharap beliau mengekalkan ia selamat ... tetapisehingga kurang percaya kadang-kadang dalam manusia ... kebimbangan had saya daripada berdiri kukuh dalam Pengetahuan itu.sesungguhnya saya akan berusaha untuk bergerak lebih ke hadapan dengan setiap langkah bernafas. <3

...Triggers..

sometimes outta the blue .. im triggered.. simply as a smell.. an action.. a reminder.. the walking into a room..it doesnt matter sometimes.. just a simple word can trigger me.. im learning to control myself...but sometimes the easiest thing to do is shut it down.. and wait for the trance to be over.. ride the wave.. and sometimes that reqiures space.. and allowance to do so.. i understand myself and my limits on certien things.. im learning my boundries.. and i stand outside of them sometimes.. but they are due to change at any moment.. i notice that when im in a sway my boundry are larger then normal.. and when i feel like i am safe inside my own self.. the boundry get smaller and easior to allow into my surroundings.. but i do push out.. and move you back a bit when my boundries are high.. if you have an issue with that.. take it up with me after i am done the sway.. when my mind is clear and i can see beyond thy sway more easily.. because when i am in this state my defenses are high, easily reactive. i know myself enough to ask for space. its up to you to respect that.. or simply..turn and walkaway.. im in a state of pissyness..

....not here today...gone somewhere else...

I feel a little distant today.. five months to the day.. i know that i am surrounded by love and that i am safe.. but this day is really hard and im kinda distant.. side tracked..mind is somewhere else.. disassoicated.. mind space ... and it has done itself! i have no control over how distant i have become.. in the last 24hours.. i instantly dettach myself from this day...cuz i go into my state of recalling..had alot of talking about syris today...with beautiful reward and papa and boychild...brought up a memory.. but the most heartful journey was with beautiful reward.. it was important to have the conversation with her.. to see where she was in her healing process about the whole situation.. she is remarkable.. such a trooper.. i love her.. <3 .. im not gonna get into it though..sighs..--- *reached out for support* ---
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-->†<--

-->I am thankful for the support i have around me.. and the love that they show me...i feel extremely blessed to be surrounded by such awesome people.. From Wifey to Dawnzy to Sir.Bear.. to Michael...to Perky to..family im glad i have surrounded myself with such understanding and amazing people.. greatful for everyone of you .... i feel alittle more presant. <3 <--

...5 months...

Letting Go and Let God...

looking back over the last five months...i woke up from a horrible mess.... with this new understanding of me..and what i needed to continue this path of healing.. i have looked at my past head on and learned to stop living there..making sure i don't carry those burdens into my new relationship..but i have this uncontrollable fear.. and i acknowledge.. the fact that some of the insecurities are coming up.. and I'm trying my best to work through them.. so the same bullshit doesn't happen.. i am learning to step more into the witness of the situation and stand there.. and realize that the storyteller.. needs to be reign in.. that it is okay to allow yourself to count on someone else and be vulnerable and can allow someone else in..i have learned to allow my joy to be overflowing.. i am in control of the energy that i project into a room.. i can light up and be happy part of the world.. i can now take complement with out cringing.. i can take peoples word for what its worth.. and see the person full that stand in front of me.. or beside me.. and behind me.. and i have learned to stand for myself.. i have come from this dark place into the light that surrounds me.. i am risen from the ashes of the past.. into this beautiful flightful bird.. with Great color.. i feel free to move forward.. into this loving relationship.. he stands beside me.. with his hand on my shoulder and one on my heart.. he understands the path i had behind me and i am willing and ready and able to start this beautiful dance with.. i stand in the present of things and can gladly say.. Everything is right within me.. and around me... i am right where I am needing to be.. starting this great exciting path.. i feel loved.respected.understood.communicative.Trustful.Important.Special.Challenged.Safe...
i read somewhere.. that if you want growth find someone that with disagree with you ... if you wanna stay content.. get someone that agrees with you...i have found my match in  many ways..but he also challenges my belief system..his love is pure..and he surrounds my cup..i finally feel like i got my "equally yoked" match.. which is an amazing feeling..but quite scary..i feel good tension.. a little guarded.. but i will work through it.. because I'm committed to this process. :) I'm not going anywhere..<3

...Oh Lord...

Jesus, i just wanna take this time to thank you for everything you have put in my path.. from the supporting family and firends.. and most of all i would love to thank you for the trails that i have gone through for it has shown me this path that is before me..i want to thank you for guiding me when i was blind..and hurting.. Thank you for holding me through some of the darkest parts of my life.. ...for your light has always had its hand on my heart.. im entering the next part of my life and i wanna thank you for showing me the path first of inner joy and teaching me how to accept the reality of living here in the presant.. and showing me through everything your power dances with my soul..Thank you for the path im about to embark on.. in your name i pray.. Amen

...wow...

wow.. the feeling of butterflies flow through my tummi.. with great excitement.. the new path..has open doors for me that have once be soo tightly closed.. and my intution isnt telling me to run the other way.. i feel like i should embrace this .. and leave the memories, where they are.. and just continue to move forward happily. and embraced the smiles and joy rising.. wow..

....4 Months....

...its been four months...im grateful for the steps that i continue to make.. i have become more self aware.. and my self respect is up and my authentic self is moving into the reality of my stance every day. with all the work i have been doing.. i dont stand in sadness..and get lost in which i dont have. although i love him still doesnt mean that even if he wanted to come back that i would be able to bring him in close. for this year is the most important to me.. to soothe my innerchild..to stand in my witness and move forward..yes i have issues with looking back and remembering the past.. but i am doing it as my witness.. not as the storyteller in which she makes it more difficult.. i stand in love.. and maybe one day i will be able to move away from it.. be able to truely let go of this..with time everything heals... just gotta be willing,

...Beautiful Syris.Edward...

"when life leaves us blind..love will keep us kind"-linkin park..

 The words to write you doesn't come easy.. every word is thought out and intently thought about. for i am saying what my heart and inner voice needs to say.. i go through these stages of recalling..of deep controlled missing.. i don't allow my mind to go into a dark place..although I've tried this hating you thing..but it just makes me miss you even more..i don't think my body will allow me to have those feelings of dislike. i don't understand what happened..I'm trying to find closure..with every Movement i speak.. I'm trying to learn to let you go..but when i look beside me i feel you there..when i look behind me..i feel you there..when i feel hands on my spirit..I feel yours..i know that you don't wanna talk to me..that your not ready..but i hope you know..that i would always answer your call..that i would sit down and talk with you with out wanting to fight...I am in the process of healing and walking this path alone..and i am enjoying my time with myself..I'm learning how to be present..instead of living in my emotions..and allowing them to dictate my outlook on situations.. i just want you to know that you are missed..daily.. and its more like .. i wonder what he is up to now..i hope he is well..i hope he is happy..does he miss me as much as i miss him..i have always told you i loved you unconditionally.. and that hasn't changed. i may be over stepping a line.. from the top of your head..to your toes..all the way out to your finger tips.. When anah asks about you..i made a promise to your mother.. that anah would know that you loved her..although you can not be with her.. she still knows you love her..i do not talk ill of you in a hateful manner.. i do call you a coward for the way things happen. how you couldn't face me..and you cant give me a reason why. its sad..that it came down the way it did. but again i take responsibility for my reaction, i know this is about validation. that i more then likely will not receive.. but i don't carry that with me.. i write it out to let you know that I'm always thinking about you. and that's prolly desperation in your eyes.. but i know that it comes from a place of love. i know that i shouldnt use that word when im just talking to the air.. to the memories that haunt these walls..

"you could never be replaced ..even though you know my heart is free"- Dub FX

...Your Life speaks to you in a Whisper...

"Whispers"

watching Oprah's life class.

what she is basicly talking here is listening to the small voice inside you that walks with you and guides you.. to lead with your intutiton.. to feel the whisper and go with it.. and listen to what your body is telling you. if you dont listen to the whisper.. it gets louder.. and your anxiety will kick up and then the next its like ha! you cant ignore me..and hits you with a brick wall.. there are many times that i walk with my intutition, it has never lead me far from the truth of things.. and not this false truth. that is made up by my ego aka storyteller. its your inner alert button screaming for you to listen to it.. and if you dont listen you detattched yourself from the world and your surrounds and useally ended up runnin around like no ones home inside yourself. so connect with your whisper. and feel your energy transform into your Authentic self :)

...Fly With Me..

..I have fallen i love with DubFX..

..Soo Fly with Me..

<3

...Wolf and I...

when i listen to this song..

so much things come up for me..

it touches my soul..

and makes me sway..