Gingerbreads with Beautiful Reward :)

sometimes life gets in the way.,,soo...im starting a new chapter..

  With a pregnancy with my second child..Beautiful reward is going to be a big sister. shes excited.. but kinda reclusive on the idea.. she already has a baby brother that she is already annoyed with lol.. but shes cut from my cloth.. i understand her alot. i miss her. but i get to see her alot these days.. its quiet nice not fighting with them to see her.. i just hope it continues to work out..this way.. but this new baby is 13 weeks along.. and cooking up a great storm inside me..a striving situation for stability,.  life gets hectic and outta sorts.. when impulse control and relevance in seeing past your own way of thinking  long enough to get out of your own way is reclusive  and far from reality.. is hard to deal with on a regular basis..were acting out is okay..only if he does it.. but not acceptable to be called on it.. but i guess that's what i get for asking for a child..and not get lost in that down fall.. im hoping as soon as he hold his child.. it will give him a calmer perception..but it might just make it worst .. children are stressors in daily normal life.. how is he supposed to control him self long enough to care for someone other then his own beating heart.??.. in some ways i know im going to be doing this alone with out any real help from him.. and i have come to accept that im okay with that.. and im learning that i cant expect gold outta copper... it just doesnt work..  

Grace

I know that i haven't been writing many blogs these days.. July 1st, was a year that Syris had moved away. it took me awhile to realize that he was giving me a gift. i said in one of my posts earlier that i should be give him thanks..but i couldn't so i am going to give it now. im thankful for the gift he gave me of freedom. he showed me love..even tho i was in such blinding pain. im thankful for this time. it allowed me to stand and grow. it let me move forward. and heal my much needed path. im also thankful for unanswered prayers. due to the fact that i prayed for jesus to just take me home with him. that i didnt want to be here anymore..pleaded with him. but he just shows me that i wasnt done yet. i had more things to learn and accomplish.  the light that shines through me is bright and brilliant. i know how to calm myself .. i am proud of   where i am going. no matter the struggle I AM STRONG. I AM WORTHY, I AM JOYFUL, and Victorious!. i will continue to move forward with such happiness. <3 Lillian Risen :)

..Ten Months...

my mind still wanders into place of sorrow..I've started working with children..they bring me joy when i am sad.. i hear their giggles and it makes the world happier place..i found out today that Syris has a girlfriend..but he downgraded.. lmao.. that made me happy...I'm happy that he has found someone to fill his days with..and i wish them luck..and happiness.. i do my best to move forward in my life.. but i still miss him.. I smile with the future i have... and the joy that will come out of it..instead of being addicted to the sadness.

...Betrayal...

its sad when you feel like this..

...Hearts a Mess...

"this song is owned and everything by the artist

Gotye- Hearts A Mess"

...Nine months....I have entered my journey on this healing path.. going threw stages of missing.. ending relationships at whims..because as soon as i feel okay.. i push myself away.. i wonder why that is..i don't love unconditionally anymore.. there is always strings attached, and I'm not used to that.. I'm over protecting myself.. I'm scared of being hurt like syris has.. with the silence he projects..i know its over...i feel it slipping away.. then a memory pops up.. and i tend to stay sad in the moment but then move on to something else... they are steady..but starting to fade out abit.. but seriously i have only felt safe with one person..why am i so stuck on "someone that i used to know..-gotye" seriously ... i guess I'm just a mess.. -- i will continue my path.. as I'm rising from the ashes of my past...-- I am Loveable..I am Worthy...I am Important.. And I will Rise Above It all :)--



...Failure...

i dont want to sit here and throw a pity party for myself.. i wish the scars would fade.. and my heart heals.. but with each new slash an old one reopens.. so how do i stand here and be treated less then i am.. i know my worth.. and i fight for my right to speak on a daily basics.. just to be told i have no right...so i'll take this failing mark.. and learn from it.. with saying yes to you.. am i saying no to myself??..its Healthy to have boundries. and shine through them.. but im personally attacking when i request such a state..im the bad person.. with every reaction theres an action.. and with acting.. and moving my boundries and my comfortability lessesn with each fight..with each guilt trip thrown.. i move away .. just something i gotta deal with eh...