... Fikiran saya terus membawa saya kembali ...

kadang-kadang fikiran saya hilang dalam fikiran anda .. cara bahawa suara anda berbunyi ...cara yang anda menyentuh hati saya ..bagaimana anda dengar .. kemudian berpandukan saya perlahan-lahan ke arah yang betul menunjukkan saya kekuatan untuk menghadapi ketakutan yang tidak realistik i menghadapi ... dan bagaimana menyedihkan adalah bahawa kita terpaksa biarkan ia pergi .. i masih hilang dalam memori anda..menghidupkan kembali tarian kita berkongsi ..Saya berterima kasih untuk masa yang kita telah bersama-sama .. i masih berasa anda berhampiran saya ..dan im masih bekerja melalui kesakitan antara kamu tidak lagi di sini ..jadi saya berjalan dalam penentuan hidup dalam keadaan gembira gembira fikiran .. dan i akan mencari keselesaan saya dalam pendirian ... kerana hati saya meluncur ke elses seseorang genggam .. dan dengan hati yang berharap beliau mengekalkan ia selamat ... tetapisehingga kurang percaya kadang-kadang dalam manusia ... kebimbangan had saya daripada berdiri kukuh dalam Pengetahuan itu.sesungguhnya saya akan berusaha untuk bergerak lebih ke hadapan dengan setiap langkah bernafas. <3

...Triggers..

sometimes outta the blue .. im triggered.. simply as a smell.. an action.. a reminder.. the walking into a room..it doesnt matter sometimes.. just a simple word can trigger me.. im learning to control myself...but sometimes the easiest thing to do is shut it down.. and wait for the trance to be over.. ride the wave.. and sometimes that reqiures space.. and allowance to do so.. i understand myself and my limits on certien things.. im learning my boundries.. and i stand outside of them sometimes.. but they are due to change at any moment.. i notice that when im in a sway my boundry are larger then normal.. and when i feel like i am safe inside my own self.. the boundry get smaller and easior to allow into my surroundings.. but i do push out.. and move you back a bit when my boundries are high.. if you have an issue with that.. take it up with me after i am done the sway.. when my mind is clear and i can see beyond thy sway more easily.. because when i am in this state my defenses are high, easily reactive. i know myself enough to ask for space. its up to you to respect that.. or simply..turn and walkaway.. im in a state of pissyness..

....not here today...gone somewhere else...

I feel a little distant today.. five months to the day.. i know that i am surrounded by love and that i am safe.. but this day is really hard and im kinda distant.. side tracked..mind is somewhere else.. disassoicated.. mind space ... and it has done itself! i have no control over how distant i have become.. in the last 24hours.. i instantly dettach myself from this day...cuz i go into my state of recalling..had alot of talking about syris today...with beautiful reward and papa and boychild...brought up a memory.. but the most heartful journey was with beautiful reward.. it was important to have the conversation with her.. to see where she was in her healing process about the whole situation.. she is remarkable.. such a trooper.. i love her.. <3 .. im not gonna get into it though..sighs..--- *reached out for support* ---
.

.

-->†<--

-->I am thankful for the support i have around me.. and the love that they show me...i feel extremely blessed to be surrounded by such awesome people.. From Wifey to Dawnzy to Sir.Bear.. to Michael...to Perky to..family im glad i have surrounded myself with such understanding and amazing people.. greatful for everyone of you .... i feel alittle more presant. <3 <--

...5 months...

Letting Go and Let God...

looking back over the last five months...i woke up from a horrible mess.... with this new understanding of me..and what i needed to continue this path of healing.. i have looked at my past head on and learned to stop living there..making sure i don't carry those burdens into my new relationship..but i have this uncontrollable fear.. and i acknowledge.. the fact that some of the insecurities are coming up.. and I'm trying my best to work through them.. so the same bullshit doesn't happen.. i am learning to step more into the witness of the situation and stand there.. and realize that the storyteller.. needs to be reign in.. that it is okay to allow yourself to count on someone else and be vulnerable and can allow someone else in..i have learned to allow my joy to be overflowing.. i am in control of the energy that i project into a room.. i can light up and be happy part of the world.. i can now take complement with out cringing.. i can take peoples word for what its worth.. and see the person full that stand in front of me.. or beside me.. and behind me.. and i have learned to stand for myself.. i have come from this dark place into the light that surrounds me.. i am risen from the ashes of the past.. into this beautiful flightful bird.. with Great color.. i feel free to move forward.. into this loving relationship.. he stands beside me.. with his hand on my shoulder and one on my heart.. he understands the path i had behind me and i am willing and ready and able to start this beautiful dance with.. i stand in the present of things and can gladly say.. Everything is right within me.. and around me... i am right where I am needing to be.. starting this great exciting path.. i feel loved.respected.understood.communicative.Trustful.Important.Special.Challenged.Safe...
i read somewhere.. that if you want growth find someone that with disagree with you ... if you wanna stay content.. get someone that agrees with you...i have found my match in  many ways..but he also challenges my belief system..his love is pure..and he surrounds my cup..i finally feel like i got my "equally yoked" match.. which is an amazing feeling..but quite scary..i feel good tension.. a little guarded.. but i will work through it.. because I'm committed to this process. :) I'm not going anywhere..<3

...Oh Lord...

Jesus, i just wanna take this time to thank you for everything you have put in my path.. from the supporting family and firends.. and most of all i would love to thank you for the trails that i have gone through for it has shown me this path that is before me..i want to thank you for guiding me when i was blind..and hurting.. Thank you for holding me through some of the darkest parts of my life.. ...for your light has always had its hand on my heart.. im entering the next part of my life and i wanna thank you for showing me the path first of inner joy and teaching me how to accept the reality of living here in the presant.. and showing me through everything your power dances with my soul..Thank you for the path im about to embark on.. in your name i pray.. Amen

...wow...

wow.. the feeling of butterflies flow through my tummi.. with great excitement.. the new path..has open doors for me that have once be soo tightly closed.. and my intution isnt telling me to run the other way.. i feel like i should embrace this .. and leave the memories, where they are.. and just continue to move forward happily. and embraced the smiles and joy rising.. wow..

....4 Months....

...its been four months...im grateful for the steps that i continue to make.. i have become more self aware.. and my self respect is up and my authentic self is moving into the reality of my stance every day. with all the work i have been doing.. i dont stand in sadness..and get lost in which i dont have. although i love him still doesnt mean that even if he wanted to come back that i would be able to bring him in close. for this year is the most important to me.. to soothe my innerchild..to stand in my witness and move forward..yes i have issues with looking back and remembering the past.. but i am doing it as my witness.. not as the storyteller in which she makes it more difficult.. i stand in love.. and maybe one day i will be able to move away from it.. be able to truely let go of this..with time everything heals... just gotta be willing,