....not here today...gone somewhere else...

I feel a little distant today.. five months to the day.. i know that i am surrounded by love and that i am safe.. but this day is really hard and im kinda distant.. side tracked..mind is somewhere else.. disassoicated.. mind space ... and it has done itself! i have no control over how distant i have become.. in the last 24hours.. i instantly dettach myself from this day...cuz i go into my state of recalling..had alot of talking about syris today...with beautiful reward and papa and boychild...brought up a memory.. but the most heartful journey was with beautiful reward.. it was important to have the conversation with her.. to see where she was in her healing process about the whole situation.. she is remarkable.. such a trooper.. i love her.. <3 .. im not gonna get into it though..sighs..--- *reached out for support* ---
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-->†<--

-->I am thankful for the support i have around me.. and the love that they show me...i feel extremely blessed to be surrounded by such awesome people.. From Wifey to Dawnzy to Sir.Bear.. to Michael...to Perky to..family im glad i have surrounded myself with such understanding and amazing people.. greatful for everyone of you .... i feel alittle more presant. <3 <--

...5 months...

Letting Go and Let God...

looking back over the last five months...i woke up from a horrible mess.... with this new understanding of me..and what i needed to continue this path of healing.. i have looked at my past head on and learned to stop living there..making sure i don't carry those burdens into my new relationship..but i have this uncontrollable fear.. and i acknowledge.. the fact that some of the insecurities are coming up.. and I'm trying my best to work through them.. so the same bullshit doesn't happen.. i am learning to step more into the witness of the situation and stand there.. and realize that the storyteller.. needs to be reign in.. that it is okay to allow yourself to count on someone else and be vulnerable and can allow someone else in..i have learned to allow my joy to be overflowing.. i am in control of the energy that i project into a room.. i can light up and be happy part of the world.. i can now take complement with out cringing.. i can take peoples word for what its worth.. and see the person full that stand in front of me.. or beside me.. and behind me.. and i have learned to stand for myself.. i have come from this dark place into the light that surrounds me.. i am risen from the ashes of the past.. into this beautiful flightful bird.. with Great color.. i feel free to move forward.. into this loving relationship.. he stands beside me.. with his hand on my shoulder and one on my heart.. he understands the path i had behind me and i am willing and ready and able to start this beautiful dance with.. i stand in the present of things and can gladly say.. Everything is right within me.. and around me... i am right where I am needing to be.. starting this great exciting path.. i feel loved.respected.understood.communicative.Trustful.Important.Special.Challenged.Safe...
i read somewhere.. that if you want growth find someone that with disagree with you ... if you wanna stay content.. get someone that agrees with you...i have found my match in  many ways..but he also challenges my belief system..his love is pure..and he surrounds my cup..i finally feel like i got my "equally yoked" match.. which is an amazing feeling..but quite scary..i feel good tension.. a little guarded.. but i will work through it.. because I'm committed to this process. :) I'm not going anywhere..<3

...Oh Lord...

Jesus, i just wanna take this time to thank you for everything you have put in my path.. from the supporting family and firends.. and most of all i would love to thank you for the trails that i have gone through for it has shown me this path that is before me..i want to thank you for guiding me when i was blind..and hurting.. Thank you for holding me through some of the darkest parts of my life.. ...for your light has always had its hand on my heart.. im entering the next part of my life and i wanna thank you for showing me the path first of inner joy and teaching me how to accept the reality of living here in the presant.. and showing me through everything your power dances with my soul..Thank you for the path im about to embark on.. in your name i pray.. Amen

...wow...

wow.. the feeling of butterflies flow through my tummi.. with great excitement.. the new path..has open doors for me that have once be soo tightly closed.. and my intution isnt telling me to run the other way.. i feel like i should embrace this .. and leave the memories, where they are.. and just continue to move forward happily. and embraced the smiles and joy rising.. wow..

....4 Months....

...its been four months...im grateful for the steps that i continue to make.. i have become more self aware.. and my self respect is up and my authentic self is moving into the reality of my stance every day. with all the work i have been doing.. i dont stand in sadness..and get lost in which i dont have. although i love him still doesnt mean that even if he wanted to come back that i would be able to bring him in close. for this year is the most important to me.. to soothe my innerchild..to stand in my witness and move forward..yes i have issues with looking back and remembering the past.. but i am doing it as my witness.. not as the storyteller in which she makes it more difficult.. i stand in love.. and maybe one day i will be able to move away from it.. be able to truely let go of this..with time everything heals... just gotta be willing,

...Beautiful Syris.Edward...

"when life leaves us blind..love will keep us kind"-linkin park..

 The words to write you doesn't come easy.. every word is thought out and intently thought about. for i am saying what my heart and inner voice needs to say.. i go through these stages of recalling..of deep controlled missing.. i don't allow my mind to go into a dark place..although I've tried this hating you thing..but it just makes me miss you even more..i don't think my body will allow me to have those feelings of dislike. i don't understand what happened..I'm trying to find closure..with every Movement i speak.. I'm trying to learn to let you go..but when i look beside me i feel you there..when i look behind me..i feel you there..when i feel hands on my spirit..I feel yours..i know that you don't wanna talk to me..that your not ready..but i hope you know..that i would always answer your call..that i would sit down and talk with you with out wanting to fight...I am in the process of healing and walking this path alone..and i am enjoying my time with myself..I'm learning how to be present..instead of living in my emotions..and allowing them to dictate my outlook on situations.. i just want you to know that you are missed..daily.. and its more like .. i wonder what he is up to now..i hope he is well..i hope he is happy..does he miss me as much as i miss him..i have always told you i loved you unconditionally.. and that hasn't changed. i may be over stepping a line.. from the top of your head..to your toes..all the way out to your finger tips.. When anah asks about you..i made a promise to your mother.. that anah would know that you loved her..although you can not be with her.. she still knows you love her..i do not talk ill of you in a hateful manner.. i do call you a coward for the way things happen. how you couldn't face me..and you cant give me a reason why. its sad..that it came down the way it did. but again i take responsibility for my reaction, i know this is about validation. that i more then likely will not receive.. but i don't carry that with me.. i write it out to let you know that I'm always thinking about you. and that's prolly desperation in your eyes.. but i know that it comes from a place of love. i know that i shouldnt use that word when im just talking to the air.. to the memories that haunt these walls..

"you could never be replaced ..even though you know my heart is free"- Dub FX

...Your Life speaks to you in a Whisper...

"Whispers"

watching Oprah's life class.

what she is basicly talking here is listening to the small voice inside you that walks with you and guides you.. to lead with your intutiton.. to feel the whisper and go with it.. and listen to what your body is telling you. if you dont listen to the whisper.. it gets louder.. and your anxiety will kick up and then the next its like ha! you cant ignore me..and hits you with a brick wall.. there are many times that i walk with my intutition, it has never lead me far from the truth of things.. and not this false truth. that is made up by my ego aka storyteller. its your inner alert button screaming for you to listen to it.. and if you dont listen you detattched yourself from the world and your surrounds and useally ended up runnin around like no ones home inside yourself. so connect with your whisper. and feel your energy transform into your Authentic self :)